Alright, it’s time for me to write my truth bomb post. The stuff I didn’t want to share for a while, but now I’m at the point where I’m to share it all. About my separation. On Valentine’s Day.
It’s actually Lunar New Year, and I’ve been preparing for a few things. For my season with the girls badminton team starting soon, for my New Years Resolutions (because Lunar New Year is more of a New Year than the Gregorian New Year), for a new vision boarding experience. But also, I’ve been preparing for my return to Truth, and my preparation to release this story from my psyche.
To say goodbye to this archetype of living, so that I may finally move on. Not to say that I’ve been hung up on it, but now it’s time to get to the grit and grime of it all, and express what I’ve been holding back.
It really shocks me when I think about how many people go through divorce and separations, because that really should be an experience that just brings everyone to return to Healing, Personal Development, Truth, God and the Divine energy. But I guess that’s not the way of most people.
For me, it is. I spent my entire life wanting to be in a happy relationship. I know it’s silly for me to say that since I’m young, but I honestly even remember being three years old, sitting on the lap of Ronald McDonald, thinking someday I will have a less scary looking guy than Ronald McDonald to be my boyfriend, and I was going to love it.
I got engaged when I was twenty. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, going to Italy, with my open wounds ready to heal, healing them in less than two months and creating a beautiful relationship. Similar to what I’m doing now – revealing to myself the archetypal stories I needed to release, and through the power of forgiveness, truly healing. It was a true miracle. My entire perception of life shifted. I saw how we are truly all one. It was what the near death experience recounts sound like, except I didn’t almost die, I just worked on personal development and continuously day after day invoked a higher energy field to come into my experience. I met my soul, and I experienced the presence of God, after an entire life of knowing religion was crazy.
Then, I went back to forgetting. I went back to old ways. My mind felt entitled to this unquestioned premise: You create your own reality.
Sounds fine for the most part, as most personal development books are teaching this. But you actually don’t create your own reality. If you did, you could literally think of pink sealions dancing in full scuba diving gear on the clouds, and it would actually happen (cit. Bug Free Mind Books). No, you don’t create your own reality, and it’s not because of “free will.”
Unfortunately, it took me a year of pain inflicted upon myself and ex partner, then another two years of learning in work to better understand this.
I knew from the moment that we met that my ex partner and I were not lifetime partners. We were certainly soul/wound mates, and I met him at a time where I was very close to my truth, which is why I knew from the first moment that we wouldn’t be able to be together as lifetime partners.
It is with the need to forgive myself that I write here and express that I thought I could play my own cards, because I believed so strongly that “you create your own reality,” that I had free will choice. That even though my intuition said, “this person is a great partner for you, but he will not be the one you can develop your life with,” I responded with, “that’s not up to you, that’s up to me, because it’s my life and I have free will choice to create my own reality.”
We were truly happy together for the first two years, but when I graduated from college and it came time for us to be married, there were so many problems that “needed to be solved” before we could get married. It became the four year engagement, then further, and I grew increasingly unhappy and depressed.
I write with a heavy heart, though truly, I am grateful for the separating, because it was using forceful free will to hold together a commitment that was never meant to be to made to start with, and the truth was going to happen no matter what, just a matter of time.
Sometimes (all the time), it’s not about your perseverance, or creating your own reality. Sometimes (all the time), it’s about the truth you’re able to accept about yourself.
Upon separating, my life changed a lot. Still with open wounds, I was offered a management position at a tech startup company in sales that opened my eyes so much to how much I had held myself back from being with this person. I had always been able to do all this – I just was never able to access these opportunities. I realized that I had been artificially holding myself to a life that was not mine, for the sake of being with my ex partner.
The career piece was actually happening, but at the same time, there’s something related to it that I’m still discovering right now; something that I know when I truly heal this wound I will better understand. Which is part of why I’m writing this, knowing that after repeating a couple of things in career as well, it’s time for me to be broken open and really see what patterns I’ve been choosing to create.
Somewhere in the middle of my most recent career experience, I realized that I’ve not been able to fully let go of what happened. Aside from not having committed to a new relationship, it has affected my career choices which have been sent to me as my “lessons” as well. So long as I don’t forgive, I will be aligned to and can only attract the work situations that trigger the wound within.
It’s actually beautiful, the way it is set up. It is set up for us to be responsible for our forgiveness, for our holding on or releasing, so that we can choose to be who we are. To be who we know ourselves deep down to be.
So as I continue to allow myself to express, let me pray deeply each evening, asking God for forgiveness, for grace, for love, with complete detachment of the outcome it will bring me.
I’m actually doing a lot better, and I’m really grateful for this opportunity to write about this experience. I’ve been fine, 2017 was the most beautiful year of my life so far. I just didn’t get to really create my greatest, grandest dreams because of this lack of expression. And now with this expression, and a conscious decision to be letting these stories release into the past, I’m eager to see where I’ll be next.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Happy Valentine’s Day ❤